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Whatever title comes here

Mon Dec 11, 2017, 5:45 PM
It's close to 3AM here and I probably shouldn't write this journal right now, and I'll probably delete it by the morning (morning is when I wake up, regardless of the time of day) and kick my past over-caffeinated self square in the ass. To be frank, I straight up hate disclosing any even slightly personal matters online, but I'd guess that some stuff I'll talk about is relevant to my own psychical well-being, so I might just give it a shot. This has been a fairly shitty year anyway (fourth in a row? I should put that on my CV).

File #1. Thank you so much for the birthday wishes. It never fails to make me smile, in the 9 years I've been on dA (how the fuck it's been so long already?). Also thanks for the points, although I didn't know what to do with them other than to donate them to people who collect them for premium memberships. 

File #2. Pretty obvious, but I don't spend much time on here any more. It's a combination of a burn-out after being ridiculously active everywhere around here for so long, including being a volunteer for 2 and a half year, and the changes to the website itself that have cut 75% of what I've been enjoying here the most. And also the fact that the submitting system pisses me off, compared to how fast and simple it is on tumblr or twitter... okay, that wasn't my intention to bitch about this here now. Or ever. I just stick elsewhere and avoid concerning myself about this.

File #3. So regarding elsewhere, this is my tumblr, and this is my twitter. I pretty much post the same things on both of those portals, but twitter obviously has a letter limit, plus I use it for training my Japanese. Which is around below 1st grade primary school.

File over 9000. I'm agender. You don't have to understand it, if you don't want to. You can ask about it whatever you want to know, as long as you aren't rude about it. The pronouns I prefer are the neutral they/them and the only thing I ask for is that you respect it. It's not like it's a harm to any of you anyway. I'm really, really tired of people referring to me as to a woman or a man. I've been tired of it for years. Sure, I didn't expect anyone would've known, but I also kept shut up about it because I didn't want to deal with pieces of shit who would have a good laugh at me. "Hurr durr that gender gender tumblr bullshit, you have gender in your pants". Frankly, I couldn't care less about anyone's stance on gender identities. I've had all the remaining fucks kicked out of me by people's shitty attitudes already. I'm so, so tired.

Oh, yeah. I like women only, by the way. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


That's all. I hope 2017 has been better for you than for me and that the rest of it will be good, and that 2018 will finally knock down all that crap. 

Add a Comment:
 
:iconexillior:
Exillior Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I never knew you are agender, and I really hope I haven't offended you in the past! I will do my best to watch what I say. I really wish language didn't basically encourage us to make assumptions about people's genders. I called a new friend "she" for several weeks before they basically had to say they're a "he" and I still feel so bad about that. It taught me not to presume. 
Reply
:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
It's really fine with me, like I've said, few people knew about it until now. And I really appreciate you saying this, too. It does suck, especially when someone does it on purpose (which, let's admit it, happens way too often and usually is accompanied by an eyeroll).
Reply
:iconexillior:
Exillior Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
I see a lot of people doing that, or going out of their way to insult people over their gender etc, and frankly I can't even comprehend what kind of person you must be to be like that. 
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:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2018  Professional Traditional Artist
People insult other people over anything, and the more they can get at particularly relevant things, the more content with the slur they are. And about gender, they treat it like it's some sort of inconvenience to them? "Well it's inconvenient for me to make my brain work .01% more and get something through my thick skull, so I'm just gonna call the other whatever I want, I give no shits about the person in question's comfort. He/she is used to it anyway, so whatever will one more misgender change?"
Reply
:iconexillior:
Exillior Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Having just spent the day seeing a lot of Americans taking to Twitter to defend Orange Cheetos calling Haiti and African nations "shithole nations", and of course seeing things devolve into people bashing the poor, or Muslims, or foreigners, or anybody not white, rich and in agreement with Cheetos... I can understand on a new level what you mean about people feeling especially vindicated the more insults and the more demeaning they are. At least, if that wasn't what you meant, that's how I now feel about that kind of behaviour in people. But you know, with gender what gets me is: how does it hurt or threaten them at all? I get that immigrants/poor people/muslims etc make them feel threatened or that they're losing their privilege... but somebody else's gender?? Smh. 
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:iconstahross:
Stahross Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2017
I hope things get better for you, I don't come here often either but it's nice to see your work once in a while.
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:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2018  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks so much. Also, I remembered the other day that a couple of years ago you recommended to me reading Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind manga, saying it's so much better than movie. I did read it about 3 (?) years ago and damn. It still remains in my top 3 favourite manga of all time. And in top 10 of fictional works in general.
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:iconstahross:
Stahross Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2018
Haha nice, I always cry like a little boy when I read it.
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:iconcassy-blue:
Cassy-Blue Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2017   General Artist
you know i gotta agree with you about the submitting and the site changing in terms of affecting how active i am here. I hope that you have a better 2018
Reply
:iconmalleni-stock:
Malleni-Stock Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
:huggle:
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:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
:heart:
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:iconbittersuesz:
Bittersuesz Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2017
:rose:
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:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
I do like roses.
Reply
:iconmiss-friskies:
Miss-Friskies Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I hope you'll have a better end-of-the-year-and-next-year-too-why-the-f-not. 
Sometimes things are dreadful and the only thing you can do is to tolerate it. Sadly I know what you're talking about. I only wish for you to get better and take care of yourself ! You have all my (over-the-internet) empathy and good vibes. I left Twitter and Tumblr a bit this year (hello time-consuming education and internship-researches) but I hope I'll be able to follow your work a bit more. Those witches you made are wonderful!  


(btw I'm sorry if I ever misgendered you. That's a shitty thing to do, so yeah, sorry about it.)
Reply
:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
It's really okay. I mean, I haven't been exactly waving around what pronouns I prefer, so I do realise that most people had no clue. Thank you so so so much for the support, it means so much to me. :hug:

(Also, I kicked myself in the ass and I'm going to reply to any comments and emails I have, so I'll finally reply to yours, too.)
Reply
:iconmiss-friskies:
Miss-Friskies Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're very welcome, it's the least I can do !

(it's fine, take your time !)
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:iconevagataartist:
EvaGataArtist Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
My darling genius, I wish you the most amazing adventures, the most pleasant meetings, the most interesting gift and tge warmest love in the coming year <3 I love you 
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:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
All the best to you, dear Eva :hug:
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:iconnocturnaliss:
Nocturnaliss Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2017   Writer
I'll try and remember you prefer to be called they, but sorry in advance if I slip up. As a woman who sometimes feels more like a man in attitude, I understand how fluid gender can be. And unattached to one's exterior appearance.

I hope your 2018 will be a good year. Definitely following your Twitter because yay your art and Japanese. :heart:
Reply
:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
In all honesty, when it's "I don't care about what gender you say you are, I'm gonna call you a man/woman" vs. "I'll do my best to refer to you the way you feel comfortably with", the latter is straight up a blessing. So thanks a lot! :hug: And for following my twitter, too. 
Reply
:iconnocturnaliss:
Nocturnaliss Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2017   Writer
Welcome :hug: it's not the same thing, but let me tell you: as a woman who has been gaming since the Commodore 64, I've never fully associated with the 'female' gender. I do feel like a woman, but I can't relate to the societal norm. So... I just don't :shrug: easier said than done I know, but it all starts at how you view yourself. Feel comfortable with the person you are. That's what really matters.
Reply
:icondaddyhoggy:
DaddyHoggy Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2017
I tend not to worry about gender, especially for people who I'm not likely to meet in person.

There will always be cockwombles. The rest of the world will change without/around them.
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:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
Well, that will take a while.
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:icondaddyhoggy:
DaddyHoggy Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2017
Yup, but change it will :)
Reply
:iconelegantandrogyne:
ElegantAndrogyne Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
O, milusie wyjście z szafy :)

Jeśli gówno wpadnie w wentylator, napisz do mnie, masz moje wsparcie duchowe. Sam jestem panipanem (tj. osobą androgyniczną), do tego bi/panseksualnym (najbardziej kręcą mnie inne osoby androgyniczne/niebinarne, wyraziste kobiety i delikatni/piękni/wytworni mężczyźni), i w pełni zdałem sobie sprawę z tego jakieś 11 lat temu. It's just a phase my ass. Z powodu ciemnoty i uprzedzeń w naszym kochanym kraju nieraz spotykałem się z prześladowaniami (btw, najgorszy jest brak wsparcia ze strony najbliższych i ukrywanie się przed nimi), żyłem kilka lat w depresji, zaniedbałem znajomości/przyjaźnie/związki, czasami miałem ochotę ze sobą skończyć... dość tego - czas żyć, myśleć, walczyć, tworzyć, kochać i stawiać opór. 31 lat na karku i jeszcze tu jestem, chociaż zamierzam wyprowadzić się do Holandii i ubierać/malować się na co dzień tak jak chcę.

W sytuacji, gdy cisheteroseksualna silniejszość chce nas wyeliminować (przemilczeniem i negowaniem, strachem, wstydem, poczuciem winy, rodzinnnym terrorem, szczuciem, wyśmiewaniem, pluciem, wyzywaniem, biciem czy czym tam jeszcze) - bycie sobą, zachowanie spokoju i robienie swojego wymaga zajebistej odwagi, jest aktem radykalnym. Tęczowa siła!

Znasz jakiś fajny sposób na unikanie lub subwersję rodzaju gramatycznego w jęz. polskim? Wiem, jak ciężko od niego uciec; nie przepadam za ukośnikami (np. "on/a", "sam/a") czy nawiasami ("stażyst(k)a"), ponieważ kojarzą się z dokumentami, a ciężko stosować je w mowie. Lubię za to słowotwórcze odkrycia i eksperymenty jak np. "onona", "takika", "panipan", "zrobiliłyśmy", "żonomąż" itd. Na co dzień używam rodzaju męskiego (część ludzi wie o mojej niebinarności, chociaż powoli staram się ich z nią oswajać). Nie mam nic przeciwko męskiemu rodzajowi w odniesieniu do mnie, ale kurewsko wkurwia mnie, jeśli ktoś nazywa mnie chłopakiem albo (co gorsza) facetem, lub wciska w patriarchalno-męskie stereotypy. Nigdy do nich nie pasowałem. Wtedy potrafię nasyczeć i podrapać.

A, i zajrzyj na modified-magpie.tumblr.com (nie mój, ale lubię - zresztą myślałem o założeniu sobie tumblra, ale kiedy znajdę czas, by go ogarniać?)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx2u5u…
Reply
:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
O, określenie panipan jest super. Osobiście za dużo nie myślałam na temat konstrukcji gramatycznych w polskim - trzeba przyznać, że pod tym względem jest w ogóle bardzo cienko w tym języku. Na codzień dużo więcej używam angielskiego, a tu już znacznie łatwiej, a już w ogóle super jest z japońskim. No, ale w naszym kraju raczej się tego nie użyje. W zasadzie jakbym mogła, to bym się do Japonii wyprowadziła, ale tam znowu dla obcokrajowców ekonomicznie jest do dupy. Tak źle i tak niedobrze... (:

Ja już na szczęście mam za sobą etap przejmowania się opiniami (w zeszłym miesiącu się dokulałam do 25ki) i generalnie robię co chcę, natomiast mam w bliskim otoczeniu osoby, które są dużo młodsze, nastoletnie, więc w tym najbardziej wrażliwym emocjonalnie okresie i staram się ile mogę, żeby im dawać wsparcie i żeby miały chociaż trochę lżej niż ja miałam. Dawać im to, czego sama potrzebowałam i zazwyczaj nie otrzymywałam, chociaż ja i tak miałam wcale nie tak źle w porównaniu do niektórych znajomych, szczególnie jak na polskie standardy.

No nic, życzę Ci wszystkiego dobrego i gładkiej przeprowadzki (i dużo super kosmetyków, ja ostatnio zaczęłam zbierać mocne szminki i jestem dumna z kolekcji całych czterech. Ale są to zajebiste cztery).
Reply
:iconelegantandrogyne:
ElegantAndrogyne Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
Dzięki :)
Fajna dyskusja na temat języka jest na transpomoc.pl/viewtopic.php?t=…
Dział na forum nazywa się "jaki krawat do kokardki? (poradnik dla niebanalnych niebinarnych)". Uwielbiam to określenie :)
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:iconhellypse:
Hellypse Featured By Owner Edited Dec 11, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
For me, gender doesn't matter. I refer to people as the gender they look like, yes, it's a convention, but I don't expect to them a special behavior because they are supposed to "act like a" male or female. I don't care if you're a boy and love make up, if you're a girl and love FPS (me too XD), these codes are useless. We are who we are, not what we are.
Reply
:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
It is easy to say that gender doesn't matter, which should be the state of things in the society, but unfortunately it isn't. For cis people (those whose gender is the same as what they have in their pants) it's something default and they rarely even notice how shitty this is for trans/nonbinary people and how difficult the interactions with cis people can get. And boy, do they get upset when someone points that out.
Reply
:iconhellypse:
Hellypse Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
I'm nonbinary, and gender doesn't matter for me. It matters for some people, but if we explain they can perfectly understand this situation. Only stupid haters do not want to understand, and they can bother you for toooooo many things (your gender, your race, your country, etc)... There is always a person who will hate us for who or what we are, so... really, I don't care XD

Be who you are :)
Reply
:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
Unfortunately, the haters make up a way too big of a percentage of population. Otherwise it wouldn't be that huge of a problem.
Reply
:iconthiefoworld:
Thiefoworld Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2017
:hug: Well I hope these last couple of weeks from 2017 to be better for you than the rest of the year. And here's for 2018 to be better for all of us! :ahoy:

And thanks for sharing this side of you with us, I'm with you on not wanting to disclose anything personal on the internet, but on the other hand is always nice to know people a little better ;P
Reply
:iconstelari:
STelari Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
Yep, not much of a public star, or what would that even be called. I mean, what would happen if someone discovered that I'm actually Vulcan? Now that would suck. 

:hug: 
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